Dopamine- You’re Killing Me

I sit there, with a pain so lacerating
Gazing at the nothingness of
The abyss I exchanged for security
I ponder and divulge to myself; calibrating
 
Narcissistic realities or simply idiosyncrasies
I wonder what self portraits are made of
Being your own muse
Or delving into an unknown sense of fantasies
 
A calm, blue sea
Or impending disasters
I fail to recognize
The maze that
Is me
 
Counterforces impede my journey
Undercurrents swivel a self esteem
That is prodded and jabbed
Obstructing a path of self discovery
 
I murdered someone unintentionally
Even before she could begin
Or breathe in the scent of beginnings,
Of any shape, form or degree
 
I killed her, I say, looking at the mirror
With mistrust and self pity
Social constructs
And self created pressure
 
I reminisce the images of this girl’s eyes- glistening
Torn between hope and truth
I chose to stifle both
With my self esteem debilitating
 
I fall on the ground, sunken
Asphyxiating in my own tears
Drenched with morose
I glance at the mirror and see a miserable creature; sullen.
 
Maybe it’s the dopamine
Or the norepinephrine
Who cares about the terms
No, I’m not doing fine
 
It feels good to let that out
It’s finally out of my system
I begin to smile and just then-
My hand reaches for my mouth
 
I feel guilty at the smile’s arrival
I let my demons down
Me to me- can’t you see, my dear
You’re caught in a vicious cycle .
 
For those of you who use the word “depressed” for profound sadness- stop.
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